Five Ways to Fend Off a Nervous Breakdown

By Gloria Brame
If you're as stressed out as, well, just about everyone else seems to be, over the economy, and the new president, and the environment, and the wars and everything else, you may be going through some shaky days. Here are five tips from me to you on how to keep your head from exploding.

• 1. Tell your secrets to someone.

Might sound strange to you, but as a therapist, it sure seems to me that the number one cause of emotional stress for most people is when they carry around burdensome secrets. Those little secrets (whether it's some funds you filched, someone you fucked when you shouldn't have, your weight, your regret, or your pain) can eat away at your core personality like acid on paper. You need to let it out before there's nothing left. Find someone you trust or talk to a stranger you'll never see again; you can even write it down and post it somewhere anonymously. Let it go or you will never be able to move on.

• 2. Stop self-destructing.

Are you losing sleep, eating stupidly, partying too much, chewing your fingers, avoiding friends, fighting with everyone? STOP. When people feel insecure and frightened, they start taking it out on themselves and create new reasons to feel like shit. It's a masochistic cannibalistic train-ride to oblivion. Learn to recognize your own special little ways of self-destructing and keep them under control. Put yourself on a schedule, a diet, a discipline. If you can't do it alone, ask for help.

• 3. Amuse yourself.

One of the hallmarks of mental breakdown is a deteriorating sense of humor. You have to laugh to keep going. Literally. Turn to any favorite sources, whether it's comics and cartoons or painfully dumb sitcoms/movies that nonetheless make you guffaw. Learn some new jokes and share laughter with others. Dress your partner up as different whimsical woodland animals. Whatever. Just make sure you have at least a couple of good laughs every day.

• 4. Get off.

Regular orgasms keep the mind and body bouncy and relieve underlying stress. Contrary to popular belief, waiting to feel overwhelmed by tension and need to come is not the only or even optimal time to climax. If I ruled the world, I'd educate people to treat it as a routine part of body maintenance, like shaving your legs or brushing your teeth. If you've never tried to have at least one orgasm a day, you probably don't know what you're missing. Nothing, literally nothing, beats stress like orgasms. Partners are optional.

• 5. Go away.

If you could walk away from your life right now, you just might. But you can't, so you feel a little trapped and a lot stressed. So do what I do: go away, into your mind. Take five or ten minutes out of your day, any time you feel overwhelmed, and close your eyes. Visualize where you want to be: a beach, a mountaintop, a park. It's exquisite. It's exactly where you want to be. You can float. You can climb. You can fly. It's your world. Build a paradise in your mind and occupy it at least five minutes a day. It's the cheapest, greenest and most relaxing vacation you'll ever take.