In 2018, during a wonderful couple’s trip to Portugal, I discovered something about myself: I am a cuckquean. I am aroused by my husband sleeping with other people.
A cuckquean is a woman, typically in a hetero relationship, who takes pleasure in watching (or knowing about) her partner’s sexual interactions with other women. (You may be more familiar with the male version, the cuckold.)
When I discovered this about myself, I was reluctant. You see, when it comes to love and sex, we fear the irrevocable mistake. That is, we worry that one "wrong" choice or a not-so enjoyable experience will destroy an entire relationship. We give sex so much power over our hearts and decisions -- so much so that many of us spend lifetimes ignoring and/or repressing desire so we can “preserve” the love we have.
The problem is, we can’t unlearn what we learn. Being confronted by my desire created a dilemma: Do I spend my life fantasizing over this alone, or do I confide in my husband and move towards pleasure together?
I (we!) chose the latter.
Exploring this fantasy has come with its blunders. I had to learn in what context my cuckquean fantasy thrives and with which partners. It wasn’t a refined process -- and, yet, each point of error became a learning lesson, a chance to improve.
Understanding one’s pleasure takes practice, and I’ve learned that experimenting with sexuality can be an extraordinary place for growth and deeper connection when approached with care.
As a cuckquean, I started paying attention to the many ways my fantasy could be conducted, and how each scenario made me feel. This led to three categories:
Arouse: Scenarios I knew turned me on.
Neutral: Interactions I’d have to test to know if I truly liked them.
Retreat: Scenarios I knew turned me off.
It was easy to cross the "retreat" items off our list; however, the "neutral" scenarios held potential and required me to take measured actions (as to not overwhelm or expose me to situations that were, in fact, "retreat"-worthy). The arousing scenarios, on the other hand, simply required planning.
So, I got to work.
Through my personal experience and coaching clients, I recognized a pattern within the fantasy. Most cuckqueans I’ve met, including myself, have a preferred "role" within their cuckquean fantasy.When I uncovered this information, I was relieved! This gave me a framework within which I could assist other cuckqueans and apply to my own pursuit. I call them cuckquean "archetypes": the role(s) a cuckquean prefers to take on when engaging with this fantasy.
Why are these archetypes so helpful?
Well, in short, because archetypes can act as a doorway to self-awareness.
These archetypes are here to offer insight into your pleasure and to help you explore a range of scenarios that provide clarity on what you want. They may help identify the role you most desire within the cuckquean fantasy and ultimately reveal the best path forward.
Not all cuckqueans are made the same! Maybe you have a dominant archetype. Maybe you are a combination of two or more. Maybe your preferences change over time, space and relationships.
Consider this a self-discovery experiment wherein you are the observing expert. At the very least, let these archetypes be guideposts to your pleasure.
Without further ado, here are seven cuckquean archetypes:
7 Cuckquean Archetypes: Which Are You?
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