Frustrated Man Still On Waitlist To Register As Sex Offender

HILLIARD, FL—Complaining about how slow and cumbersome the entire process had been, frustrated local man Jeff Engers told reporters Thursday he was still on the waitlist to register as a sex offender in his community. “I’ve been trying for weeks to get on that registry, and I’m starting to wonder what exactly a guy’s gotta do to sign up as a person who’s committed sex crimes,” said Engers, adding that he was fully qualified to receive a designation of level-2 sex offender and had the criminal record of lewd and lascivious conduct to prove it, so he didn’t know why it was taking so long. “There must be a ton of guys ahead of me trying to register, or maybe they just really limit the number of people they give a spot to. I thought masturbating on a park bench in front of a class of first graders would have pushed me to the front of the line, but I guess not.” At press time, Engers was reportedly going door to door and explaining to his neighbors that while he was not currently a registered sex offender, he hoped to be one very soon.

Now before you go all spastic and apoplectic just remember this news blurb is from The Onion.